A New post after close to a year. Still feeling as sick as a dog, but yea nobody really knows and nobody really cares. Reality hits you as you sink deeper and deeper into the drought. You realize nobody really can give you the attention that you need now once everyone else has found their own partners in life.

Realization these few days:

You cannot understand a person fully. Not even your closest. The only person you can understand fully is yourself.

Start a conversation in confrontation mode and you will put that person in defense zone. Not a very good idea even if the defense is weak, try to go for the kill when they are letting you in.

Nobody really cares who you really are, they only care about how you make them feel being who you are. As long as your mask is done really well and they feel happy about it when they are with it, congratulations you have made yourself a good friend.

You are your own most critical judge. If you can fulfil everything perfectly on what you judge people upon, you are the perfect self that you have always wanted to be.

Attention given to other people when they didn't ask for it is like giving a free present to them. What happens to free presents you might ask? Free presents are generally left to gather dust and not appreciated until they finally see a use to it. What do you mean? It just means that you are a source of attention and entertainment they can get, WHEN THEY ARE BORED. Not when they really need you. And when the person they are really waiting for to speak to them comes up, you are abandoned, right away, without a 2nd thought or even consideration. (:

The paragraph above applies to your opinions as well. Even if you meant well, if a person didn't ask for any opinions, you jolly well keep ur opinions to yourself cause nobody wants to hear it, especially if it doesn't seemed similar to their own. Cause that would just make them feel like their reality is fked up. So back to the 1st point, if you make them feel fk up, do you think you can score? (:

Things are not as bad as you think it is generally, but things ain't as easy as you think either. Its always somewhere in the middle of ur worst nightmare and ur dreams come true. Seriously weird but sorta figured that out.

I need control.

To You : Always trying to prove yourself in the past and saying that you will never become whatever, you sound exactly like wee yang now. I hope you still like the way you are, but I don't like it. Maybe because the ways that I use to manipulate you in the past no longer works eh ~? I do feel disappointed and happy at the same time. Happy for your new founded happiness which is exactly what you want but disappointed at the promises you made before. And I finally know the reason why I kept telling you about those things is because at the back of my mind, I knew that you would become like this the moment it happened. I tried to minimize the effects but... nope, it didn't work at all I realize, that temptation is just too much for you. But be careful what you do cause when you hit the end of your honeymoon, you might realize that that flower you went for might not have enough honey for you and you start to need other things. The other things might just not be available to you anymore cause you abandoned them at a certain time. (:

To Another You : I can't be your entertainment everytime when I can't even get myself out of the bed. I have been sick for the past 4 days and I don't think you knew about that. (: You now have a very caring bf that you come bragging to me every now and then like its the only topic between you and me now. How do you want me to respond? (: While it was my idea that I don't really wish to talk to you, I believe, at some point of time i tried and yes it worked well but I don't like seeing anything that reminds me of him, yes your current bf (including and especially his name), in the conversation between you and me. If you didn't realize, I go all quiet everytime you mention his name. Oh and if you wanna feel happy, yes I am jealous to a certain degree. (: Friendships... I hope they last, but maybe... the maintenance required on each of our parts might be different? Do you know how to keep me as a friend? I tell you a simple way to keep me, I need to feel appreciated. Why the hell would I be all out to be so much different from others when I didn't want to feel appreciation, I might as well be another person that blends in the crowd. Can you do that?

So much rantings. I simply feel like a fucking boy now, asking so much from the world when I can give none and the best part is I realize I am still a kid. Until I overcome the largest obstacle in my life, which is in my fucking mind right now, there is no way anyone would appreciate me. Yes... Although everyone says human can make mistakes, I still feel that everyone around me expects me to be perfect, its not what you said, its how you make me feel.

At the lowest point of my life, I have to say. I hate blogging cause this is the only place filled with my rants. - -'

----- Maddy -----

Feeling.. so.. downz.

Why is it that everytime this happens?

I just wished that I can have more support from you 2.

I'm sorry for what happen I pray that everything will be fine.

Now.. I only can live up to it.

Withdrawing from bs competitions. I will only be casual from now on.

----- Andy -----

Oh? o.O? I actually updated my blog?! LOL.

Too many things to do. Too little time. Too many plans on my head. I need some help to sort them out. Hehehe

Lets just start off with the first plan...
Hypnosis. Sounds pretty fun and i will start reading about it tmr. (:

Massaging!
This sounds pretty interested and what's more? Can give free massage! No need spend so much to go msia massage le :x!

Weight Gain Program.
yao xiu this program need a lot of money D: . And right now i am in a financial fix.. Got to put off this until further notice

Cultivating better looking habits
Gonna start with basic necessities. Looks like it wouldn't cost a lot but this sounds good.
Sleeping habits and Dental care.. Must go! (:

Dancing
A long lost dream... Oh well.. maybe just form youtube. Hehehe

A Job
Gonna register for kelly services after wednesday i guess. maybe get some event jobs for some quick buck. :D.

Martial Arts/Fighting
Whateva it is. I think this is pretty important o.O But I wonder how to go about doing this .. . Wth.. LOL.

Studies
Next sem gonna be a tough one. I guess i got to cultivate the habit of studying. (:

A Schedule.
Nothing will work out unless I plan it out I guess. So got to start planning ~!

Enjoyment
I forgot about this. honestly.. Well... :x .. But I am kinda bored about the enjoyments i am having now... So maybe.. 1 or 2 more timex of clubbing.. and a few trips to arcade and lan. (:

Other stuff.
Hmm. I think i shud get a daily planner to see my appointments otherwise i keep forgetting. :X

Guess... I should take a break from people during this holidays to fix everything.

<3 Life is actually quite enjoyable when you decided that you are enjoying. <3

- Things will never change unless sombody change them. Why not let the person be you? (: Somethings cannot be changed. And when you can't, Just go on and live with it.

----- Its time for a change. A Muthafuckinglistically Big one -----

A bit and a bit of change. It creeps. ~

Morals keeping myself back.

Kicking down the morals.

Working up my discipline.

I got both via Discipline.

Works... Now you know what to do.

Go GO gO

Somebody Call 911~
Shawty Fire Burning on the dance floor, Whoaa~
I gotta cool her Down~
She wan bring the roof to the ground~
On the dance floor whooaaaa~~!!

Woooooo ~ <3

A night to remember. (:

Slowly... inhibiting my mind. (:

----- Andy -----

Passing through each emotional stages.

The power to own.

Enticing power.

I once said that if I ever was going to fail this one. I am going to turn into what I chose to be.

I don't wish to blame you but yea, the truth hurts and I hate it even though i seek for it. Thus, I have no other choice because I can't bear to go through this again.

You. You make me realize the importance of many things. And one of the most important ones. I hate you for changing me.

Am I ready to change? (:

----- Andy -----

There were no words.

As you get engulfed in the endless battle between your mind and your body.
For the peace. There wouldn't be.

Nothing left would suffice.

Silence. Creeps into.

Solitude. End. (:

----- Andy -----

I hate the feeling of being alone. But I like to do things alone when it comes to work cause I can't really depend on many people to help me complete a task. Simple as it might seemed, it looks like I can't trust people to get the job done well.

I hate it when it grows late into the night and I have no one to talk to. I hate it when I play blackshot and it gets so boring. I hate it when I close my eyes I get flooded with dreams that I do not want to see. Life is so boring now. I literally can't Stand it already. How can anyone stand this?

I hate it when I talk to people, we got no topics to talk about. I hate it when I can't chat. I hate it when I can't clique with someone. I don't know why, but is it because I am always available? So much that there is nothing to talk about? I hate it when people do not listen to me when I speak. I hate it when people talk to others when I talk to them. I hate it when I get slow replies. I hate it when people don't get what I say and I have to explain. I hate it when I have no new songs to listen to.

However.

I love it when there is something to talk about. I love it when something new comes up in life. I love it when I take the plunge and try something new. I love it when I start feeling my heart pounding my crazy upon something unknown. I love it when I do not know what will happen later. I love it when i start to feel the fear in my body. Feeling up my every nerve and cell. Making me so nervous that I break into a cold sweat. I love the feeling of being overwhelmed with emotions. I love to get so touched ( only happened once in my life ) that i cry. I love it when I meet someone new and I feel VERY nervous. I love to dance. I love music. I love the time when we chat all the way till 4 am, even though we were so tired. I love the feeling...

I wish. I ponder. I wonder. When will my night be lively again?

----- Andy -----