A New post after close to a year. Still feeling as sick as a dog, but yea nobody really knows and nobody really cares. Reality hits you as you sink deeper and deeper into the drought. You realize nobody really can give you the attention that you need now once everyone else has found their own partners in life.

Realization these few days:

You cannot understand a person fully. Not even your closest. The only person you can understand fully is yourself.

Start a conversation in confrontation mode and you will put that person in defense zone. Not a very good idea even if the defense is weak, try to go for the kill when they are letting you in.

Nobody really cares who you really are, they only care about how you make them feel being who you are. As long as your mask is done really well and they feel happy about it when they are with it, congratulations you have made yourself a good friend.

You are your own most critical judge. If you can fulfil everything perfectly on what you judge people upon, you are the perfect self that you have always wanted to be.

Attention given to other people when they didn't ask for it is like giving a free present to them. What happens to free presents you might ask? Free presents are generally left to gather dust and not appreciated until they finally see a use to it. What do you mean? It just means that you are a source of attention and entertainment they can get, WHEN THEY ARE BORED. Not when they really need you. And when the person they are really waiting for to speak to them comes up, you are abandoned, right away, without a 2nd thought or even consideration. (:

The paragraph above applies to your opinions as well. Even if you meant well, if a person didn't ask for any opinions, you jolly well keep ur opinions to yourself cause nobody wants to hear it, especially if it doesn't seemed similar to their own. Cause that would just make them feel like their reality is fked up. So back to the 1st point, if you make them feel fk up, do you think you can score? (:

Things are not as bad as you think it is generally, but things ain't as easy as you think either. Its always somewhere in the middle of ur worst nightmare and ur dreams come true. Seriously weird but sorta figured that out.

I need control.

To You : Always trying to prove yourself in the past and saying that you will never become whatever, you sound exactly like wee yang now. I hope you still like the way you are, but I don't like it. Maybe because the ways that I use to manipulate you in the past no longer works eh ~? I do feel disappointed and happy at the same time. Happy for your new founded happiness which is exactly what you want but disappointed at the promises you made before. And I finally know the reason why I kept telling you about those things is because at the back of my mind, I knew that you would become like this the moment it happened. I tried to minimize the effects but... nope, it didn't work at all I realize, that temptation is just too much for you. But be careful what you do cause when you hit the end of your honeymoon, you might realize that that flower you went for might not have enough honey for you and you start to need other things. The other things might just not be available to you anymore cause you abandoned them at a certain time. (:

To Another You : I can't be your entertainment everytime when I can't even get myself out of the bed. I have been sick for the past 4 days and I don't think you knew about that. (: You now have a very caring bf that you come bragging to me every now and then like its the only topic between you and me now. How do you want me to respond? (: While it was my idea that I don't really wish to talk to you, I believe, at some point of time i tried and yes it worked well but I don't like seeing anything that reminds me of him, yes your current bf (including and especially his name), in the conversation between you and me. If you didn't realize, I go all quiet everytime you mention his name. Oh and if you wanna feel happy, yes I am jealous to a certain degree. (: Friendships... I hope they last, but maybe... the maintenance required on each of our parts might be different? Do you know how to keep me as a friend? I tell you a simple way to keep me, I need to feel appreciated. Why the hell would I be all out to be so much different from others when I didn't want to feel appreciation, I might as well be another person that blends in the crowd. Can you do that?

So much rantings. I simply feel like a fucking boy now, asking so much from the world when I can give none and the best part is I realize I am still a kid. Until I overcome the largest obstacle in my life, which is in my fucking mind right now, there is no way anyone would appreciate me. Yes... Although everyone says human can make mistakes, I still feel that everyone around me expects me to be perfect, its not what you said, its how you make me feel.

At the lowest point of my life, I have to say. I hate blogging cause this is the only place filled with my rants. - -'

----- Maddy -----